Gross things I’ve touched today:

Cigarette butt
Bloodied rag
     (both picked up by the boy on the street)
Ant traps
Male penises (2)
     (I don’t care what you say, penises are gross)
McDonalds soap
Dog poop
     (through a plastic bag)
Child barf
Poison Ivy

The worst part: I haven’t yet touched child poop today which make me nervous about what’s going on inside “Ol’ Two-A-Day”s digestive system.

- Zac

Hilarious post on Metafilter:

Sometimes kids won’t believe the truth anyway. True story. I’m in a taxi with my niece, who is five, and my sister (her mother).

Niece: Were there dinosaurs when you were little?
Me: No the dinosaurs were all gone a long time before that.
Niece: Before Grandma was little even?
Me: Yes, even before Grandma was little.

[Pause as five year-old tries to imagine such a time]

Niece: What happened to them?
Me: (Glancing at my sister to determine where to go with this) Well, I don’t really know for sure, but a lot of people think that a big meteor came down and hit the Earth and made a lot of dust, so the sun couldn’t shine on the Earth and the plants couldn’t grow, so the dinosaurs didn’t have anything to eat . . . so . . . (again a glance at my sister).
Sister: (deciding to make it a teaching moment) So the dinosaurs were all gone and the small furry mammals took over, and after a very long time, the small furry mammals turned into YOU!

[Five year old is not buying this for a second.]

Niece: HOW did they turn into me?
Sister: Well, you know, you were my baby, right, but you’re a little different from me, right?
Niece: (Warily - is this a trap?) Mmmhmmmm?
Sister: Well their babies were a little different from them and THEIR babies were a little different and each little difference built up and finally the babies were like people.

[Another lengthy pause. The taxi driver is now curious about how this will end.]

Niece: Okay, maybe, but I think maybe a good wizard came and turned all the little furry mammals into people.
Sister: (Not missing a beat) Yes. Well, a lot of people think that . . . but I don’t think so.

I wish I was rich enough to afford a Segway and cruel enough to not care if my kid died or not…

… ‘Cause I’m already lazy enough to want to do this.

Now here’s a great Web 2.0 idea that I can’t believe hasn’t already been thought of. MyBabyOurBaby is a photo site where you invite your friends and family to upload their pictures of your kid. So simple, so useful. I kinda love it.

So this boner Swedish couple names their kid Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 . . . Amazingly, www.Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.com is not yet taken. You know what to do.

- Zac

P.S. Remember the goofy 1940’s Superman villain called Mr. Mxyzptlk? And the only way to send him back to his dimension was to trick him into saying his name backwards? Nope. Nothing more to add. Just wondered if you remembered.

Am I the only one who’s more disturbed by how much effing Elmo shit this kid has than by what the doll actually says?