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Weeged?

Sunday, January 20th, 2008

So ever since my kid has learned to say “More TV” we’ve been watching some Thomas and Friends on the trusty Tivo, but I have a couple of weird questions:

1. Is the word “Train” trademarked? You never hear them say the word on the show (which is weird because the show is all about trains). They say Engine or Tank Engine or Tram or Diesel or any number of other things, but I have yet to hear them say the actual word “Train” in any of the episodes I’ve seen.

2. The narrator keeps using a word that sounds like “Weeged” or “Weesh’d” as a verb. Kinda like Dianne Wiest or a French cartoon character saying “Wished.” “‘That was a close one,’ weeged Percy.” It isn’t sighed or exclaimed…more like a relieved declaration, and I really don’t think it is “wheezed” either. Anyone? Is this some British thing?

P.S. Looking for things like these is the only way to keep yourself sane on the 37th re-watching of the same show. When I try to turn on Sesame Street or something, he looks at me like I’m crazy and says “No.¬† More TV.”

- Zac

Car Truck Bus

Sunday, August 12th, 2007

Hank and I often play a rousing game of “Car Truck Bus” out in front of our house. As different vehicles go by, I say whether it is a car, a truck or a bus, with the occasional motorcycle thrown in. Let me tell you, this game is a pain in the ass.

What the hell is a Chrysler Pacifica? A car? It’s big enough to be a truck…it’s bigger than a Ford Escape, and we call them “Trucks” when we’re playing. Minivans? Where do they fall? What about those goofy Chevy SSRs? I think they’re actually smaller than a car and lumpier than a VW Beetle…What happens in my kid’s brain when I call that a truck, and then one of those massive Lexus RX cars? How is he supposed to keep this shit straight?

I guess my question is, do we now have to play the game of Car Truck Bus Motorcycle SUV Minivan Van Jeep SmartCar Scooter Segway (and being in downtown Ann Arbor, we see those) Dune Buggy Windjammer SpaceShuttle Toboggan Zepplin???


Attention Detroit (and mostly Japan):
Keep things simple! I’m trying to educate over here!
Dumb Cars

Ferberize = Different than Febreeze

Sunday, May 27th, 2007

And STAY in thereSo we’re trying to Ferberize our kid which isn’t something you get at the dry cleaners, but rather a method (devised by some guy named Richard Ferber) on how to get your baby to teach themselves to fall asleep and soothe themselves back to sleep if they wake up in the night.

Basically this wicked method requires that the parents just let the baby cry in the crib for certain set intervals, and only going in to soothe the kid for a few seconds before leaving the room again. The theory is that the baby knows that if he/she cries, Mom or Dad will come in and pick ‘em up. This method tries to break that connection by only giving minimal comfort to the kid at increasingly spaced-out intervals and eventually they catch on that they should just go to sleep.

So right now Hank is up there screaming his fool head off and sounding like Rod Stewart gargling shards of glass, and we are downstairs counting off the 5 minute intervals until we can go up and calm him down for for a few seconds.

Did this work for anybody out there?

- Zac

Baby on Board

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

Mmm mmmm mmmm mmmmSo Hank is now over 20 pounds, 30 inches long and too big for his infant car seat. Kind souls lent us two bigger car seats (an Even-Flo obviously named after the Pearl Jam song and a Britax, thank you very very much) and so we installed ‘em in our cars.

The question is, can he be forward-facing or not?

The rulebooks say that if the kid is over 20 pounds, he’s OK for forward-facing, but some spoil-sports like the American Academy of Pediatrics say the kid has to be a year old and 20-22 pounds. The freaks in Sweden often keep their kids rear-facing until 3 or 4 years of age.

As it is now, with Hank rear-facing, his feet are all jammed against the backseat and it just doesn’t seem to be a good fit.

Any advice? Can his little neck take my horrible driving if he is facing forward? Or should I get one of those little “Baby on Board” signs and let that solve all of my problems?

UPDATE – See, this is what I love about the innerwebs: I have a question and expert parents answer it with facts and personal experience.

We now have two car seats that are rear-facing and have them adjusted so that the kid doesn’t look like a contortionist in a wicker basket. We will leave him rear-facing until he is at least 1, and maybe beyond. Thanks guys.

- Zac

Mouse?

Sunday, February 11th, 2007

Comedy cutie Sarah Silverman was on Leno and she referenced the Mouse in Goodnight Moon as a recurring character.



Is the mouse in Goodnight Moon really supposed to be a “Where’s Waldo” kind of character? Does anyone else suspect that she was referring to Goldbug from the Richard Scarry books?

While we’re on the subject, has anyone else read “My World” by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd (the team behind Goodnight Moon)?

Man, is it crappy. Like Wise Brown read a Dr. Seuss book and said “Hmmph, I can say totally crazy shit that rhymes” and then barfed out a book.

You can have itSample prose:

My spoon.

Daddy’s spoon.

The moon belongs

To the man in the moon.

Am I just not getting it? Is this the David Lynch Film of children’s books and it’s just going way over my head?

- Zac

An Un-blemished Childhood

Sunday, January 21st, 2007

My name is Zac and I am a Baby Photoshopper.

Is it bad to Photoshop the zits and boogers off of your kid’s face before posting photos to the family website? Cropping is probably OK, right? And “Red-Eye Remover?” Where does that fall? I’m not talking about slimming 20 pounds off of Katie Couric’s ass or anything, I’m just blurring, brushing, stamping, and eyedroppering out the unpleasant bits of my kid’s childhood.

Before:

Before

After:
After
See how the terrifying “DANGER” logo from the car seat is gone? Doesn’t that make for a more aesthetically pleasing image for Grandma to see?

How about this one: Drooly, barfy, but still a cute picture, right?
Grossface

After:
Cuteface
No more drool or spit-up, cleaned up the eczema on the cheeks, now he doesn’t look like he lives pools of his own fluids every day.

Is that bad? Is it vain? Is it just utilizing of the technology available today? Or is this somehow driven by a deeper Darwinian need to prove to the world that my kid is the best?

If anybody sees Dr. Phil, have him give me a call.

- Zac