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Somebody get this kid some tequila and salt

Saturday, January 19th, 2008



Dead Little Girls In Blindfolds

Friday, August 4th, 2006

I once had an idea for a series here called F’d Kids Movies, but as of now, the series stands at one lonely post. So, I decided to swipe the concept and spin it into a feature for the day-job. Soul-Scarring Kid Movies covers The Peanut Butter Solution, Watcher in the Woods, Something Wicked This Way Comes and The Electric Grandmother. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Go read it, then come on back here and discuss.

- Matt

TV Is Turning Your Kid into a Dumb, Fat, Neurotic, Racist Smoker

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

AccordingMike Teevee to this article on Yahoo! News, American children spend more time in front of the television than in school. This is despite claims from The American Academy of Pediatrics that the distraction and senory-overload of the boob-tube can stunt a child’s cognitive, physical, social and emotional growth. But it gets worse:

  • “Research has shown that children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight.
  • “Kids who view violent events, such as a kidnapping or murder, are also more likely to believe that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.
  • “Research also indicates that TV consistently reinforces gender-role and racial stereotypes.”

To top things off, the article goes on to say that though tobacco ads have long been banned on television, “kids who watch 5 or more hours of TV per day are far more likely to begin smoking cigarettes than those who watch less than the recommended 2 hours a day.” Keep in mind that 2 hours is the recommended amount for kids over 2. Children younger than that shouldn’t be watching any TV. That is, of course, if you listen to the eggheads at the APA, but what do those squares know?

Incidentally, if you’d hoped to keep your kid from watching too much TV by knocking them out with Benadryl, you’re out of luck. Looks like it’s back to whiskey.

- Matt

Nice buns!

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

Nice Buns

Scope out this (ages 3-6 months) shirt from UrbanMonster.com.

It may be sacrilege, I really like the recent wave of Star Wars apparel for kids (and cute nerdy girls). The movie was really made for kids anyway, so why not get some cool gear all set up for little kids and start the brainwashing early.

- Zac

F’d Kid’s Movies: The Peanut Butter Solution

Monday, May 1st, 2006

No matter where I go in these U S’s of A, I find I feel a deep and immediate kinship when I happen upon someone else who, like me, came of age in the 80s and was witness to the crop of so-called kid’s movies that, despite their pint-sized target audience, were some of the most bizarre and disturbing things ever committed to celluloid. Think The Goonies multiplied by what-the-fuck? and divided by holy-shit. I’ve heard it speculated that these flicks were part of a secret government psych-ops program, and I wouldn’t be surprised to discover some truth in that.

Whatever the intention behind the movies, they undoubtedly helped warp and bend me into the adult I am today. With that in mind, I think I’ll probably be subjecting my own kids to these same films and others cut from the same quirky cloth, in hopes of nurturing them into wildly imaginative and debilitatingly neurotic grown-ups. I’ll do my best to highlight them here so you too can “enjoy” them with your offspring.

First on the list of mind-molesters is The Peanut Butter Solution. This 1985 Canadian picture starts with a kid going into a spooky house on a dare. Once inside, he’s so scared by what he finds that all of his hair falls out. Now completely bald, the boy is visited by a pair of friendly ghosts who offer him a recipe for growing hair, the key ingredient of which is–you guessed it–peanut butter. While the ghosts give specific instructions not to overdo the amount of peanut butter, the boy is too eager to get his hair back, so he goes nuts with the Skippy. In no time, he’s grown back a full head of hair. Unfortunately, the hair begins growing so fast that you can literally see it coming out of his scalp. Naturally, a bad-guy kidnaps our young hero so he can hold him captive in his paint-brush factory and use his ever-extending locks as the bristles of the brushes. Oh, and at some point one of the kid’s friends puts the formula on his balls with predictable results.

Let me be clear, I didn’t make up or exaggerate anything in the above synopsis. I watched this movie when I was about 9 and it resonates with me still 20 years later. Sadly, The Peanut Butter Solution hasn’t yet been honored with a DVD release, but VHS copies can be found. Pick one up and inflict it on a child you love.

- Matt