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Archive for the 'Parenting' Category

Funny from Penny Arcade:

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Stolen from here:

Lil’ Gabe is 3 and a half now and so it’s very important that we always have a ready supply of fruit snacks. If we’re out shopping or at the bank or whatever, fruit snacks have the ability to soothe the savage three year old. We like to let Gabe pick out his own fruit snacks and he usually will choose Spider-Man or maybe SpongeBob. However I came home recently and found these in the pantry.




I would love to know what sick bastard at Kellogs came up with this genius idea. I just spent the first three years of my sons life trying to get him not to eat blocks, and now you’re telling him they taste like fucking strawberries. Thanks a lot assholes. Seriously, how in the hell did this ever get past their legal department. You can’t tell me that this isn’t a lawsuit just waiting to happen. I can only assume that their next product is fruit flavored thumbtacks.

Statistics from a Dad/Husband/Guy

Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

Gross things I’ve touched today:

Cigarette butt
Bloodied rag
     (both picked up by the boy on the street)
Ant traps
Male penises (2)
     (I don’t care what you say, penises are gross)
McDonalds soap
Dog poop
     (through a plastic bag)
Child barf
Poison Ivy

The worst part: I haven’t yet touched child poop today which make me nervous about what’s going on inside “Ol’ Two-A-Day”s digestive system.

- Zac

Wizards and Mammals (aka Lying to children)

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

Hilarious post on Metafilter:

Sometimes kids won’t believe the truth anyway. True story. I’m in a taxi with my niece, who is five, and my sister (her mother).

Niece: Were there dinosaurs when you were little?
Me: No the dinosaurs were all gone a long time before that.
Niece: Before Grandma was little even?
Me: Yes, even before Grandma was little.

[Pause as five year-old tries to imagine such a time]

Niece: What happened to them?
Me: (Glancing at my sister to determine where to go with this) Well, I don’t really know for sure, but a lot of people think that a big meteor came down and hit the Earth and made a lot of dust, so the sun couldn’t shine on the Earth and the plants couldn’t grow, so the dinosaurs didn’t have anything to eat . . . so . . . (again a glance at my sister).
Sister: (deciding to make it a teaching moment) So the dinosaurs were all gone and the small furry mammals took over, and after a very long time, the small furry mammals turned into YOU!

[Five year old is not buying this for a second.]

Niece: HOW did they turn into me?
Sister: Well, you know, you were my baby, right, but you’re a little different from me, right?
Niece: (Warily – is this a trap?) Mmmhmmmm?
Sister: Well their babies were a little different from them and THEIR babies were a little different and each little difference built up and finally the babies were like people.

[Another lengthy pause. The taxi driver is now curious about how this will end.]

Niece: Okay, maybe, but I think maybe a good wizard came and turned all the little furry mammals into people.
Sister: (Not missing a beat) Yes. Well, a lot of people think that . . . but I don’t think so.

Lazy Mom

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

I wish I was rich enough to afford a Segway and cruel enough to not care if my kid died or not…

Segway Mom

… ‘Cause I’m already lazy enough to want to do this.

Do/Don’t

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Wakey Wakey

More here:

- Zac

The Story About the Baby

Sunday, July 15th, 2007

Man, if you think our blog is funny, thank you very much and please continue to check back for more occasional updates. But if you think you have room in your life for two funny blogs, you should check out The Story About The Baby.

Actually “blog” isn’t quite the right term, it is more like this guy’s online journal that captures the first year of his kid’s life.

A choice section:

Why I Got Rid Of All of My Large Pots

Having a baby around makes it much harder to manage the voices in my head. I mean, before, they just told me to do horrible things to myself and my wife. But my wife knows Tae Kwon Do and could kick my ass, and I can’t do anything painful to myself because I’m a big pussy. So that was all right.

But now I spend all of my time having internal conversations like:

Me: “Oh, hell. Did I remember to put out the diapers so the service can pick them up?”
Inner voice: “Boil the baby.”

Or,

Me: “Phew. She’s finally asleep. I can get some work done.”
Inner voice: “Boil the baby.”

Or,

Me: “I’m hungry. I sure could use a ham sandwich.”
Inner voice: “Boil the …. wait. Did you say ham?”
Me: “Mmmmm. Sandwich.”
Inner voice: “Mmmmm. Sandwich.”
Me: “Better clean this plate.”
Inner voice: “Put the baby in the dishwasher.”

But the voice in my head didn’t get its way. I wasn’t able to fit the baby in the dishwasher rack.

Fortunately, my wife is understanding. She put Post-It notes on all of our large cooking vessels. Each says, in large, clear letters, “Don’t boil the baby.” It confused my parents when they came over, so, when they asked about it, I said “What? Are you saying it’s a good idea to boil the baby?” Then they changed the subject really quickly, so I think everything is going to work out OK.

- Zac